The SDA & The Secret of the Universe

This is a script that I wrote for a YouTube video I plan on making. It's about a talking alligator on a mission from God to find the Secret of the Universe. Here are some things to keep in mind when you read:
-This video is not supposed to make fun of Christianity. I'm a Christian myself, and any atheist who decides to start a flame war can take it pokemon-style. Wannabe Christian Apologist used Mention Khemer Rogue. It's super effective!
-Elijah is an african-american teenager. He is based after my friend Elijah, and his behavior in this is actually quite accurate. He thinks this is funny.
-The Storm Drain Alligator talks in a cajun accent. He is also NOT ANTHROPOMORPHIC. He's just a normal old Alligator who happens to posess random powers and can talk.
-The Wal-Mart Greeter talks in a monotone, wears a suit, and wears a big plastic smiley face over his head.
-This was originally going to be a novel.

(Scene opens up with the Storm Drain Alligator sleeping in a Storm Drain. He gets a phone call from God.)

Ringtone: And I’m ridin’ downtown with the girl I love and I’m like f…

Storm Drain Alligator: Hello, this is the Storm Drain Alligator speaking. If this is the IRS, then get the fuck out because alligator’s can’t be taxed! Go get some money from some rich Connecticut white boy instead!

God: Storm Drain Alligator, I AM GOD!!!

Storm Drain Alligator: Oh, hello Morgan Freeman.

God: I want you to find the Secret of the Universe!

Storm Drain Alligator: So, what’s it like being… God?

God: It’s boring. Besides laughing at this video’s comment section and trolling humanity with spiders, it’s
boring.

Storm Drain Alligator: Wait… why did you call me instead of appearing in some big ass divine vision or some shit.

God: Oh, those divine vision bills these days!

Storm Drain Alligator: What the fuck…

God: JUST GO!!!

Storm Drain Alligator: There better not be any of those youdamn Monty Python references…

(God hangs up)

Elijah: (looks down from the grate) Hello Storm Drain Alligator!

Storm Drain Alligator: Elijah! We’re going on a big ass quest!

Elijah: Oh shit…

(Scene changes to “Father Chuck’s Van Rental: Supplying Vans since 1969” Father Chuck is standing outside of the van rental shop.)

Father Chuck: So you two are on a mission from God and you need a van? I got one here.

(Father Chuck points towards a white van with tinted windows.)

Storm Drain Alligator: I thought that you were a Protestant Priest!

(Elijah paints “Free Candy” on the side of the van.)

Father Chuck: That is unacceptable. (Writes “Honk if you Love Jesus” over “Free Candy”)

Storm Drain Alligator: (turns to Elijah) How old are you?

Elijah: Too young to drive, yet obviously old enough to go on extremely dangerous quests serving as the comic relief.

Storm Drain Alligator: If Skulduggery Pleasant can do it, then so can I! Can anybody here drive?

Father Chuck: I can…

Storm Drain Alligator: Nobody asked you!

(Screen pans left. The Wal-Mart Greeter appears holding a crate labeled “suspicious box”. A car alarm is going off.)

Wal-Mart Greeter: Do any of you guys know the way to Medellin?

Storm Drain Alligator: Get in!

(Scene changes to the van viewed from the front. The Wal-Mart Greeter is driving. Elijah is sitting next to him. The Storm Drain Alligator is sitting in the back.)

Elijah: So what is your job again?

Wal-Mart Greeter: I am a Wal-Mart Greeter.

Elijah: So why do you have a claymore and a machine gun?

Wal-Mart Greeter: Because I am also a lawyer, accountant, lobbyist, and mercenary.

Storm Drain Alligator: Get the fuck away from my goddamn cell phone, Abraham!

Elijah: (sighs) What’s going on, Storm Drain Alligator?

Storm Drain Alligator: There’s an invisible Jew trying to steal my goddamn cell phone!

Wal-Mart Greeter: Does he have a problem?

Storm Drain Alligator: Yes, I have a problem! My problem is that there’s a goddamn invisible Jew trying to steal my fucking cell phone! That’s my problem!

(Wal-Mart Greeter collapses on the steering wheel. Elijah screams and takes it, trying to keep the van on track. A lot of honking noises commence.)

Storm Drain Alligator: I guess everybody loves Jesus.

Wal-Mart Greeter: I am sorry. This plastic smiley face has no air holes.

Elijah: Then what is it for?

Wal-Mart Greeter: How should I know?

Storm Drain Alligator: Shit, now Abraham’s FLYING!

(Scene changes to a teleportation device marked with a swastika. The van is parked outside of it. The
Storm Drain Alligator, Wal-Mart Greeter, and Elijah are standing outside of it.)

Storm Drain Alligator: Okay, who’s going first?

Elijah: Let’s draw straws.

(Elijah takes out three sticks. The Storm Drain Alligator pulls one out of his hand with telekinesis, throws it at his face, and throws him into the teleporter with telekinesis.)

(Next scene opens up as the Storm Drain Alligator, the Wal-Mart Lobbyist, and Elijah are flying around in a vortex with a lot of random objects. The Next scene opens up in a security section of an airport. Many people are waiting in line. Purgatory is right next to the line. A Security Guard is waiting by a metal detector.)

Security Guard: NEXT!!!

(A Girl walks up to the Security Guard.)

Security Guard: Okay, now we’re just going to have to do a pat-down to look for weapons…

(Scene changes to Elijah talking to Rasputin, who is in purgatory.)

Elijah: So you’re REALLY Rasputin?

Rasputin: I told you for four fucking billion times OF COURSE I AM THE REAL RASPUTIN!!!

Elijah: Oh, so you’re some evil wizard guy…

Rasputin: What? I am not some… evil wizard guy! Who are you, Don Bluth?

Girl: (singing badly) YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I’M LIVIN’ A TEENAGE DREAM! JUST ONE MORE TOUCH AND
MAYBE I’LL BE-LIEVE! DON’T TAKE A CHANCE AND DON’T EVER LOOK BACK…

(Elijah and Rasputin turn towards Girl. When she finishes singing, they turn back to each other.)

Elijah: Rasputin, I have this for you!

(Elijah takes a Hellboy Comic out of his pocket and gives it to Rasputin. Rasputin throws it on top of a
bunch of Anastasia DVD’s.)

(Scene changes to the Security Guard.)

Security Guard: NEXT!

(Storm Drain Alligator walks up to the Security Guard.)

Storm Drain Alligator: I’m down here, stupid!

(Security Guard looks down.)

Security Guard: Okay, so do you want the pat-down or the scanner?

Storm Drain Alligator: You didn’t seem to give that hot girl a choice.

Security Guard: Just pick one so I can move on with my life.

Storm Drain Alligator: You touch me and I’ll break your spine!

Security Guard: I guess the scanner, then.

Storm Drain Alligator: What, so you can take naked pictures of me?

Security Guard: (facepalms) You aren’t even wearing clothes.

Storm Drain Alligator: I see your laptop! I bet once you’re done you’re gonna post all of them goddamn naked pictures of me on the web.

Security Guard: YOU AREN’T EVEN WEARING CLOTHES!!! (Kneels down) Alright, now I’m just going to gently pat you down and look for weapons, okay…

Storm Drain Alligator: (singing) You make me feel like I’m livin’ a teenage

Security Guard: (pulls out .44 magnum) ALRIGHT I’VE FUCKING HAD IT!!!

(Storm Drain Alligator spins around and sends the Security Guard flying. The Security Guard dies and leaves a lot of blood on the floor. Everybody walks past the guard and through the vortex at the end of the security area.)

(Next scene opens up in a jungle. A big stone wall is in the distance. The Storm Drain Alligator and the Wal-Mart Greeter appear. Elijah falls down from the sky and lands on his face.)

Elijah: (points in the distance) I can see the temple that contains the Secret of the Universe! We’re almost there!

Crockigator head #1: Shut up, you asshole!

Elijah: What the hell is that?

(Screen pans right, showing a crockigator standing on a rock.)

Storm Drain Alligator: That is a crockigator. Meanest animal in the Canadian jungle. Thing’s half alligator, half crocodile. It’s got two heads, but no asshole so it can’t take a shit!

Crockigator head #2: Hell right you one-headies!

Elijah: What accent is that? Canadian or Mexican?

Storm Drain Alligator: They live in both Canada and Mexico.

Crockigator head #1: I’ll tear your balls off!

Storm Drain Alligator: Hey, there can only be one crocodilian asshole in these parts, and that’s me!

Crockigator head #2: Let’s get ‘em!

Crockigator head #1: Yeah!

(Crockigator begins to move. It keeps on moving in a circle and muttering. The Storm Drain Alligator, Elijah, and the Wal-Mart Greeter move into the temple. The next scene opens up in the temple with a large altar with a big purple, glowing ball.)

Storm Drain Alligator: There it is, the Secret of the Universe! I’ve been waiting so long…

(Storm Drain Alligator walks up to the altar slowly. Dramatic music plays while he walks up. Suddenly, a streaking Grunt (alien from Halo) runs across the screen. Music abruptly stops.)

Storm Drain Alligator: Finally…

(Storm Drain Alligator activates the altar. The song “never gonna give you up” by Rick Astley starts playing.)

Storm Drain Alligator: I HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULL SHIT!!!

(Storm Drain Alligator launches Elijah with telekinesis, hits the Wal-Mart Lobbyist with his tail, and curb-stomps a baby panda. Next scene shows Morgan Freeman standing on a cloud laughing hardly, pointing toward the ground. Goes back to normal scene.)

Storm Drain Alligator: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUdge

(“The End” comes abruptly across the screen. Storm Drain Alligator pops up.)

Storm Drain Alligator: Remember kids, quote me at school!

(Shows name of studio)

I like it, with proper animation the script could surely reach high expectations. How old are you? you write well!

Too tired and eyes hurt. Only got halfway through. It's aight. How about naming the alligator Storm Tunnel Drain Alligator or something so his initials are STD Alligator.

I couldn't make it through it, I hate reading scripts (nothing against yours). Could I just have a synopsis?

GOD_wears_GUCCI wrote:I like it, with proper animation the script could surely reach high expectations. How old are you? you write well!

I'm only 14 years old. I've been writing scripts since I was ten.

Do you think this would be successful if it was a TV show? Would you watch it?

I put the Storm Drain Alligator through a Mary Sue Litmus Test. He scored a 28.

Dudeacus97 wrote:Do you think this would be successful if it was a TV show? Would you watch it?

No and no.

Dudeacus97 wrote:I put the Storm Drain Alligator through a Mary Sue Litmus Test. He scored a 28.

What's a Mary Sue Litmus Test?

Dudeacus97 wrote:I put the Storm Drain Alligator through a Mary Sue Litmus Test. He scored a 28.

What's a Mary Sue Litmus Test?[/quote]

There's some form of ancient sorcery called GOOGLE that you may have heard of.

Shame on me. But I did google it and couldn't find an simple answer within 10 seconds so I asked it here. Lazy man Razor

Razorhawkzor wrote:Shame on me. But I did google it and couldn't find an simple answer within 10 seconds so I asked it here. Lazy man Razor

A Mary Sue Litmus test is a test that authors take to see whether or not their character is a Mary Sue. I wanted to take one for the SDA because I was sure that he was going to fail it because he's basically a God Mode character with a messed up personality and I wanted to see what any character test had to say about him.

If you are wondering what a Mary Sue is, a Mary Sue is a near-perfect character with no flaws whatsoever. They also tend to have an angsty past that they dwell on, which the author tries to pass off as a flaw in a story. Another crowning feature of a Mary Sue-character is that it is an "author avatar", a character that closely resembles the author, or a person the author would like to be, or a way for the author to show their views.

Dudeacus97 wrote:

If you are wondering what a Mary Sue is, a Mary Sue is a near-perfect character with no flaws whatsoever.

A near perfect character would be boring to me. A good character for me has to have defining characteristic, usually a psychological or physical flaw, and has to deal with it.

Razorhawkzor wrote:

Dudeacus97 wrote:

If you are wondering what a Mary Sue is, a Mary Sue is a near-perfect character with no flaws whatsoever.

A near perfect character would be boring to me. A good character for me has to have defining characteristic, usually a psychological or physical flaw, and has to deal with it.

A mary sue litmus test is a test that is supposed to show that your character is NOT a Mary Sue because nobody likes Mary Sues.

As I said in the "Post Random Thoughts and Reply to the Ones You Want" thread, I decided to make the SDA a TV Show rather than an online video. Here are some of my ideas for episodes:

1. That Old Pilot Episode (When 60 Minutes does a show on finding the Storm Drain Alligator, the SDA goes on a crusade against the most vile creatures to live in the Louisiana wetlands: the manatees.)
2. Dancing with Skinwalkers (The SDA meets Ricky, a rich Connecitcut White Boy who needs help in order to drive the skinwalkers, a race of shapeshifting gambling native american werewolves, out of the state.)
3. Between A Walt and a Hard Place (The SDA gets stuck in a Disney movie and is forced to become a talking animal sidekick for Natasha, a russian aristocrat who is trying to defeat an evil voodoo witch doctor in New Orleans. But the SDA has another idea: kill the censor who refuses to let him swear.)
4. Super Explosion Special Effects Nostalgia Explosion Robot Explosion (After God gets a bad hangover, Michael Bay substitues for a day.)
5. Artifical Ignorance (The US government declares that artifical intelligence is real intelligence, hence robots and computer programs are citizens after Ricky complains to the Sheriff about the SDA abusing his poorly built robot. Meanwhile, the SDA, Ulfric Stormcloak, and Ricky's poorly made robot run for president.)
6. Gastada Frase Para Indicar la Revolución (Roombas revolt against their human masters.)
7. A Merry Atheist Christmas (When Arizona's high school celebrates Christmas by playing the movie Die Hard, her atheist family gets offended by McClane's overuse of the phrase "Jesus Fucking Christ!" In reaction, her family moves from Silver City to Catfish Rock to escape "religious persecution." When they arrive in Catfish Rock, they are greatly shocked by the amount of religious imagery during the holiday season and start a "war on christmas.")
8. The Plains of Ones and Zeroes (The SDA gets lost in Cyberspace, the city of the internet. YouTube is the dark, violent district, porn sites are the red light district, TV tropes is a bottomless pit, and Encyclopedia Dramatica is the protal to hell that appears as a "maybe" on snopes.)
9. Ugly American (The SDA goes on Wheel of Fortune and wins a vacation to North Korea.)
10. What Fourth Wall? (The Sons of the Pencil of God, a cult that worships the animators and the show's fanbase arrive in town. I don't know what the rest of the story would involve.)
11. Memphis 1337 (The SDA's archnemesis, Big Louie (a giant catfish the size of a school bus) breaks out of his prison and starts to take over Memphis with his army of terrestrial paddlefish, the SDA must go to Memphis to put a stop to his dastardly plan.)
12. Groundedge (A skyrim parody. Ricky finds out that he is the "gatorborn", a hero with the power to kill alligators and take their souls. Also features a "race profile" for the different characters like there would be in Skyrim.)
13. The Vacation Episode Nobody Likes (The SDA takes a vacation to Florida (which he hates) while Dinesh, a gavial from India, takes over his position in the town.)
14. Matrix Homage (Elijah finds out that the entire universe exists within a matrix created by the cephalopods.)

What do you think?

Episode 13: He is on Miami, so what if he takes some bath salts.........
Episode 9: Is that a reference to the TV show?

For some reason I am reminded of God, The Devil, and Bob. Didn't like it. So many factors go into it, but there are some things that I just can't see catching my attention.

Razorhawkzor wrote:Episode 13: He is on Miami, so what if he takes some bath salts.........
Episode 9: Is that a reference to the TV show?

For some reason I am reminded of God, The Devil, and Bob. Didn't like it. So many factors go into it, but there are some things that I just can't see catching my attention.

I didn't know about the TV Show ugly american. I just heard the phrase "ugly american" describing tourists who say stupid stuff when they go into foreign countries, such as calling common things in that country "exotic" and demanding people to speak english. The SDA getting high on bath salts would be pretty funny.

Is there any way that I could make this more interesting for you?

Apparently it is fairly new. 2nd season ended on late April. I only know it cause I saw it being available on Netflix, but it seems like and awful show.

Spoiler:

____________________________________________________________________________________________


Are there gonna be video game references?
Maybe an episode where he ends up in some popular game, ie Mario, and ends up being confused by the logic.

"This seems simple. Run. Run. Jump a pipe. CRAP MAN EATING PLANT! Wait what? How the flying fuck did I get smaller? How are is my body intact? Oh look, magic mushroom. This shi better get my sky fuckin high!"

Razorhawkzor wrote:Episode 13: He is on Miami, so what if he takes some bath salts.........
Episode 9: Is that a reference to the TV show?

For some reason I am reminded of God, The Devil, and Bob. Didn't like it. So many factors go into it, but there are some things that I just can't see catching my attention.

I didn't know there was a TV show called the Ugly American. I heard of a phrase called "the ugly american", though, for when American tourists go to foreign places and say stupid things, such as calling ordinary stuff in the local culture "exotic" and telling people to speak english. The SDA getting high on Bath Salts would be kinda funny, but the main plotlines I was thinking of for Florida would be involving Kennedy Space Center and the SDA terrorizing Disney World in revenge for Episode 3. There would also be a storyline with Dinesh in Catfish Rock.

Is there any way I can make this more interesting for you?

I really like this idea, the character is already starting to take off for me without even seeing much action. I think the idea behind the alligator is simple enough to not be one of those characters nobody understands, and the episodic sequence seems to throw off any intuition I would use to basically summarize your show. So overall I think this is the type of show that fuels off of other shows/programs/current event's humor to better itself and continue to impress people. Like a family guy type of show, I see no ending with either. Unless death comes to the character of course. I would love to see the skyrim episode xD already excited!

GOD_wears_GUCCI wrote:I really like this idea, the character is already starting to take off for me without even seeing much action. I think the idea behind the alligator is simple enough to not be one of those characters nobody understands, and the episodic sequence seems to throw off any intuition I would use to basically summarize your show. So overall I think this is the type of show that fuels off of other shows/programs/current event's humor to better itself and continue to impress people. Like a family guy type of show, I see no ending with either. Unless death comes to the character of course. I would love to see the skyrim episode xD already excited!

My inspiration largely came from South Park. But all of the comedy I made up is probably inspired by Pearls Before Swine, the only good comic in the Newspaper these days. I guess this show would be like a better version of Family Guy without all of the cutaways and soapbox.

I'm definitely going to work on the Skyrim episode first because of your comment. It begins when there are several people tied up in the back of a pickup truck like in the beginning of Skyrim. When they stop, there's a "race selection" where Ricky (the gatorborn) is questioning why he is suddenly changing between different ethnic stereotypes as his race and suddenly stopping on "Connecticut White Boy". Are there any other aspects of Skyrim I should make fun of? Maybe how everything is so far apart?

Dudeacus97 wrote:
My inspiration largely came from South Park. But all of the comedy I made up is probably inspired by Pearls Before Swine, the only good comic in the Newspaper these days. I guess this show would be like a better version of Family Guy without all of the cutaways and soapbox.

I'm definitely going to work on the Skyrim episode first because of your comment. It begins when there are several people tied up in the back of a pickup truck like in the beginning of Skyrim. When they stop, there's a "race selection" where Ricky (the gatorborn) is questioning why he is suddenly changing between different ethnic stereotypes as his race and suddenly stopping on "Connecticut White Boy". Are there any other aspects of Skyrim I should make fun of? Maybe how everything is so far apart?

"A better version of Family Guy," that ain't gonna happen. What channel do you think it will be on anyway.

Razorhawkzor wrote:

Dudeacus97 wrote:
My inspiration largely came from South Park. But all of the comedy I made up is probably inspired by Pearls Before Swine, the only good comic in the Newspaper these days. I guess this show would be like a better version of Family Guy without all of the cutaways and soapbox.

I'm definitely going to work on the Skyrim episode first because of your comment. It begins when there are several people tied up in the back of a pickup truck like in the beginning of Skyrim. When they stop, there's a "race selection" where Ricky (the gatorborn) is questioning why he is suddenly changing between different ethnic stereotypes as his race and suddenly stopping on "Connecticut White Boy". Are there any other aspects of Skyrim I should make fun of? Maybe how everything is so far apart?

"A better version of Family Guy," that ain't gonna happen. What channel do you think it will be on anyway.

Probably Adult Swim, the late-night slot on Cartoon Network. Either that or Comedy Central.

Actually, I think I'm going to write episode #7: A Merry Atheist Christmas. I already wrote 7 pages of it (in comparison, the Secret of the Universe was only five pages.) I've shown it to some people and they thought it was pretty funny so far. I'm just running out of ideas for gags. Does anybody have any ideas?

Razor, if you plan on being an idiot and arguing with me, you can go do it on www.godandscience.org, the religious forum I also inhabit. I'll also be posting it there, probably, but I don't think the moderators will allow it there.

For the skyrim episode, he should have an epic battle with chinese water dragons lol. And maybe take an arrow to the knee.

Also, this godandscience site doesn't have a forum right? how will you post? Go to christianforums.com they should appreciate it, if relative to apologetics or other theology. Im sure if it isn't "politically correct" then they will be offended. But you could do an episode of him repenting his sins haah, im sure that would be difficult for an alligator. And he could later find out in the episode that animal souls are not carried on after death and lead him to be a sinfull alligator seeking only to have as much fun as possible haha again im not very script creative.

GOD_wears_GUCCI wrote:For the skyrim episode, he should have an epic battle with chinese water dragons lol. And maybe take an arrow to the knee.

Also, this godandscience site doesn't have a forum right? how will you post? Go to christianforums.com they should appreciate it, if relative to apologetics or other theology. Im sure if it isn't "politically correct" then they will be offended. But you could do an episode of him repenting his sins haah, im sure that would be difficult for an alligator. And he could later find out in the episode that animal souls are not carried on after death and lead him to be a sinfull alligator seeking only to have as much fun as possible haha again im not very script creative.

Yes, Godandscience has a forum. It's under the "apologetics" bar on the left and is the link fourth up from the bottom and between the tabs "Abortion" and "Links".

If somebody went over all of the SDA's sins, even the biggest ones, I don't think it could fit in one episode.